The Mercyless Breakdown of my Soul

It came long ago, I was aware it existed
I wasn't aware it was coming
Went down after party nights and joyous dreams
I had eaten too much that day so I couldn't sleep
And all those nightmares stole my dreams
They were far too terrible
Came to haunt me for the days I had forgotten them
How I damned them,
Then myself.

There was no pouring rain.
I went to the bathroom and sticked my fingers into my throat, but nothing came out
They were shouting "You will have to see it to its end"
And as I understood my fate I cried
My mother woke up and came to me and she could do nothing
And I held the tears and gulped down the words that were echoing in my head to say that I had a stomachache
She made me tea, and I drank it, and it was good,
But still the words assaulted my head
Still the images were plundering my sanity
I took all out, at once
My soul diminished in despair
I rose, stood up
And lived the days after
Raising my head when I could

It has been three years now
And I don't know when it's gonna end
It still assaults my dreams with suicidal thoughts
I fight and resist cause it's all I can do for the ones I love
But I'm getting weaker
Night after night I wonder if it isn't better to stick a knife on my chest
But I won't
I will breath deeply and look ahead
Though I see clouds and darkness on the horizon
I pray, I'm sorry God,
Sometimes I pray unfaithful
But there's nothing I can do
I'm hanging on, as I told I would

It has been three years now...
It's hard to believe it.