Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Goodbye, Daughters of the Revolution

It came in an essay:

I wish not to harm you, I wish not to kill you. But you're starting to lose interest, and so am I. We are fading away, and what I thought I'd not lose, I'm starting to lose. How frail life is, specially when we make it frail.

You are there. I'm not with you.

Goodbye, daughters of the revolution.

(Title taken from The Black Crowes' Warpaint song Goodbye Daughters of the Revolution)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Apocalipse

E hoje eu decidi ser normal, uma vez na vida
Porque é simples, é correto, e evita problemas
Evita desgastes, evita desuso,
Evita mania, perseguição, mania
E vai fazer diferença pra voce,
E para mim também.

Porque respirar é importante
E comer devagar
Morder e sentir o sabor das coisas lentamente
Sem pressa, sem pressa, sem mania
E estabelecer o controle sobre si, e respirar novamente
E tentar não se coçar, e fazer o que quer e não o que tem vontade
E hoje você fez o possível
E trazer abaixo o apocalipse
E trazer abaixo o apocalipse

E ganhar e perder de novo
It's the dirty dirty race

Monday, January 19, 2009

No Songs

Never been a singer
Singing songs to you
It's not so easy
If you knew what's going on
Never been a singer
And you would never know
How many songs I have written
All of them I haven't shown

Never been too creative
Never been too brave
Never have been able
To tell my real crave
Never tried to hurt
Those ones, but myself
And at the end I suffer
Even'side my shell

And how desire's burning
And yet, I hide myself
Cause inside, know I nothing
Just maybe am fated to'hell
Maybe what is sorrow
Maybe that I fell
And how desire's burning
And yet, it hides itself

And no songs have I sung to you
Preferred to sing to me
A song that talks 'bout doom
And heroism that flees
Strange so much am I
I'd rather leave me be
Inside a pool of blackness
Than tell you what I feel
A loser end, I'll tell you what
You'll soon be hearing me
Outside this pool of blackness
I'll tell you what I see

And in the end, I will fall
In water, love or ground
And wait for you, my so dear friend
My lover, my sweetness, my caring face
It will be yours a choice
To drown me, love or not
But I swear I'll do the most
That will need to be done
Hoping more than ever
A singer I'll become,
That this time, I'm not wrong
I'll sing to you a song

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Hell

And thus down went John to hell, his soul tainted in blood red. As he descended, spirals of black winds surrounded him, carrying dust, slag and darkness. His eyes were petrified; though blind, he saw everything through pain, like the hurts that every little thing in that disgraced place felt. And he was breathless, cause he started remembering.

After a while, he stopped his fall. Like a demon reached he the purgatory; the walls were full of faces, screaming; he heard the voices of the ones he'd killed, like whispers in his ears; and he saw those vengeful frowns, those gray horrors full of hate - for at that moment, none that forgave had stood; these lightful ones had taken other route, to a calmer and more peaceful place.

And John stood, too, in dreadness. Darkness surrounding him was weighing down on his shoulders. He stared ahead, through lifeless spaces, and saw a dark man standing tall, with a book and a hammer.

- Here thou art, John Horsehooves. Expected have I for this meeting, like none shouldst think. I've been waiting like no one.....

John stood silent. The scream of a thousand voices was deafening him for everything. The dark man kept on:

- You have died... So suddenly. Like a rock you have fallen to the ground, and so unfair was your death. So... sleepy. So calm. So like everything that you have not caused to others. - His voice started growing - So unfair in the ways that you tortured, so unfair in the ways that you murdered, so unfair in the ways you have acted. - And it went down again, calmer. - Ah, John, but today shall not be unfair. Today, all that was made will be paid; today, you have finally made the mistake, you have finally betrayed God! So arrogant! So egocentric! And today, all will have justice. These voices will not cease, your pain will not stop, not for today, neither forever.

The boy kept studying his choices, but he was too aware of what beset him. He dropped a tear and dried all others, unconsciously knowing he was being watched by all those spirits of hunger and pain, awaiting for the fall of the hammer for the feast.

- You see, Man, man who has died; I will pronounce each and every crime you have commited. The murdering of Anna Lee, 6...

John fell deaf, in a strange kind of way. All voices, all echoes were so loud he could not distinguish one from another. He could hear the spirits, he could hear the Devil himself laughing at him, he could hear the shadows moving around him, and the judge so proudly standing high on his grave.

And he felt himself being beheaded, every member of his body being constantly pulled off and then put together back again. And he knew not what was going on outside his mind, cause all his senses had started blending.

And then he came to consciousness, and the judge was finishing his list of seven hundred thirty seven deadly sins and starting the sum of all the other less important sins. And John knew, or at least most of him knew, that at the end of that, he would be lost, damned forever. And he shivered, only once.

And the judge finished his list.

- Here we come to the end of more than an hour, Horsehooves. Easy enough is judging you... I hereby sentence you to the ninth level of Hell, the Cocytus. And may the devil never have mercy on you.

Suddenly all the spirits started laughing strongly at him. And the feast would start. There, at the purgatory, none had the leave to begin it, but once on the path to Hell, every one of them could do so. And a gate surged, swirling through the air, and started sucking his life. He felt it swipping away, his consciousness being torn apart, he felt his feet lighter and suddenly he was flying, already halfway to eternal darkness. And his soul, oh dear Lord, how could that ache so much; it was tearing itself in two, widening like a sheet on a bed, and that feeling of emptiness on him did not seem to vanquish.

And his soul glittered. In that darkness, it glittered once, right in the heart, and the pain of the tearing was at its utmost. He screamed, longly and lonely, and then he felt things calmer. And wind stopped to wind; and darkness stopped to darken; and suddenly everything was back to the purgatory's dreariness.

He lied on the ground, exhausted. Sweat was dripping from his soul. The judge looked astounded, confused, unknowing what had happened. "This is awkward. It seems that the goodness in you did not let itself be torn from the rest. I see here, boy... A mind manipulation. Yet you let it happen to you. Yet you were weak"

- But... it was not my fault.

- No use in begging for mercy. A righter damnation may yet be found to you. The Fourth Level of Hell, wherein you'll pay the greed for which you sold yourself.

Now, blackness and redness started to mix themselves down to the purgatory, descending upon that lying John. And the boy hovered around silently, though Hell swayed and walls crumbled, and within him that tearing feeling like pain that none could stand, in that cyclone of silence that deprived him from screaming. Again, the spirits hungered behind him, and still were they upset, for again, John could not be torn that easily; the Gates closed before him, unwilling to accept that sinner.

The boy crashed on the floor, leaving wreckage all around. The judge himself moved towards him, not able to believe in such occurence. Few times before had it happened, and most of them for the judge's lack of interest in properly judging (and again, most times for a judge's underestimating a sinner - some people just didn't seem so good). The man thought about his judgement, and once again read the book. Nothing. Everything was too damn right... wasn't it?

- I give you the chance to defend yourself, boy. - said he.

John slowly stood up. He cleaned his throat - he had got his chance. Still, he could barely breathe, and the pain still ached, and the grumbling of a thousand angry souls could be easily heard right now. Everything was odd; everyone was waiting angrily for his judgement, everything unusually started working in his favors; why was that? He had turned his back on God by his own mind.

- I was manipulated as a child who could not defend himself; I was abused and taken advantage of, by Him, my master. I did not think with my own mind, did I? Here I stand before your trial, but he should be here on my place.

The judge stood still for a while, then spoke again:

- Yet you have betrayed God, and in his kingdom you'll not enter. Therefore, your place is here. I hereby let the Nine Hells choose your fate. Farewell, Children of Death.

John didn't understand, and he feared deeply. Again, his defiance took place in his judgement, and he was convicted for that. When he realized, he was again off the ground, being smothered by some invisible gelatinous substance. Nine Portals opened around him, each of them sucking him and releasing him. No pain can be like that, and no one can stand it, including John. His heart gleamed for a last time, and he lost consciousness. Everything went dark, and the Purgatory was gone.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Escuro

- E você virou meus soldados contra mim
- Mas eu nunca deixei de lutar por você
- Mas ainda assim causou rebelião, não?
- E você não fez nada! Nada! Por um momento eu pedi que você entendesse, que você soubesse o que eu estava sentindo... que, caralho, eu estou descontente mas estou na guerra por você. Que eu sou negro por dentro espalhando a luz por fora. Ou que profetizo palavras negras e exemplifico atos brancos. E você não vai me entender? Você não vai entender que está na merda da hora de você parar de fazer eles se matarem, de fazer eles finalmente se entenderem? Deus, por favor, me entenda... Eu me ajoelho aqui frente a você; vê que ainda pingo o sangue da derrota, a lágrima do vencido, a fadiga do escravo, a vergonha do desconhecido. Mas nunca deixei de seguir teus comandos. Por mais que você fosse meu oponente declarado, nunca deixei de fazer sua vontade. Nunca deixei de fazer com que os eventos levassem à sua vitória. Eu virei minhas costas à você, não à sua causa. E não vê? Fui até o fim pelo que seria o seu ápice, a sua glória. Morri por você. Sangrei por você. Deixei tudo para trás por você. E talvez seria melhor ter me afundado no meu próprio egoísmo, mas parece que ultimamente não importa o bem que você causa. Importa o quão cego você é. É tudo que você enxerga; e vais me condenar. Vais me queimar. Por quê? Por quê faz isso?
- ...
- Por que... ? Por quê?
- ...Porque eu deixaria entrar no céu um inimigo declarado de mim?
- ...
- Vá conversar com o diabo. Ele costuma aceitar inimigos.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

They Say I'm Crazy

People keep constantly saying I'm crazy...




I have no idea why they say that

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Depressionseeker

Do not fool yourself thinking you'll be happier when under control. It's a lie. Happiness has no boundaries, just like every other feeling. Restrain one of them, you'll be restraining them all - every action itself creates an echo within Life.
Do not fool yourself thinking you'll hold your feelings and release them under control. It's a lie. A true feeling will only be true once it can't hold itself under restraints. Do not even think you understand your feelings, cause you don't. Feelings are unexplainable, they are trappers, painseekers.
Do not think you'll hold your feelings and therefore live with no pain. You can't, I'm sorry. Embrace pain like you embrace life; sometimes you'll only achieve the top through your own inmost disgraces. If you wish, if you want, you'll have to step through those great rows of thorns and cry, bleed and die. And reborn, and then die again. And then again. Like Hitch would say, we jump, praying God we'll fly, so we don't fall like rocks against the ground. And most of the times, we'll hit the ground. Like a bird that can't fly.
And it's better to live a miserable life than the life of a rock;
it's better to live in pain than with no feeling at all;
and if at your last breath, you weep and cry;
it's better than if you just died.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Last Battle

He, at last, let himself cling to hope.
Not from a train of thought did he choose that, but through the inmost senseless pain he has felt. And from the weaving of (those) two songs did hopefulness come, for he finally endeavoured into the fog of pain he had created, thus facing what he had not feared before.

No mountains for you today.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Andara Mountain

It's so nice that you would die for it. It's so comfortable that you would die for it. It's so amazing that you would die for it. And at the end, you would enjoy it not.

Montanha Andara

Pois caught myself respirando profundamente hoje (por mais trocadilhos e piadinhas que isso possa trazer - ho ha ha) e ontem e nos últimos dias em Montanha Andara. Posso ganhar tanta coisa, e ainda assim, me sentir estranho.
Montanha andara. Assim como me faz sentir mais leve, me faz sentir mais pesado. Assim como faz me sentir mais criança, e consequentemente mais humano. E consequentemente mais sozinho.
Me passem o copo.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Leading to Misunderstandings

Life works in a strange way. Must I say there is abscence, and hopelessness, though. For I don't know what happened there, and don't know why things went ill, and I thank thee God for having done everything calm. Wanted I the knowledge that no one's got for me; a brilliance should it be, but it won't, unless it brings itself the proper knowledge, and hope. I do not know the reasons, though I am happy everything's right and that's enough, and should I not be worrying about anything else. But once again, I shall ask, for I see lies and askance shall be brought up in the future.
But for now, I am glad.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Finally Free

..and all had gone ill; and darkness surrounding him was speaking a lone voice; "you have been expected. And here thou art". And he stood there, for there was fear in his heart, and rejection, and pain, and all those restrained feelings he had got; but at those words at his heart, he enlightened; he turned his head towards the sky and made a pray, for all that illuded him to be gone, and for all that enslaved him, to elude. And at that thought, darkness stopped her light and everything went calm. In that calmness, he dropped a tear, a tear of freedom.
Because at that, finally, he was able to cry.
He was finally free.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

A New Dawn

It's been set a new dawn... An old twilight is getting through.

I stand here. In the middle. Here between light and dark. Here where we are. Where I loved, what I wait for.
This is a kind of goodbye letter. It's been an year and two months that I've been at Fisk, and I couldn't say that I haven't loved this. I have loved every inch of this, I have enjoyed every smile and effort and all other emotions that you have showed me. Staying in touch with such feelings from people is something undescribable to whom hasn't taught. The energy exchange felt during a class is amazing, it's like a river of emotions constantly flowing, and in a position which gives you a kind of control (although also a misguiding belief that you have control) above all that.

To my students, well, what can I say? You have been amazing. This all has been amazing. I'm leaving for I need a future, and to try new things, cause that's life and sometimes we've got to choose a path that is not so clear now, in order to find new places and better horizons. You have granted me a wonderful new sight of the world, you have given me the pleasure of your presence for more than a day, or even weeks or months. How could I thank you? You are all now part of my life, and this can't be erased. It will keep on for the rest of my life. I hope you all learn English, I really hope! But most of all, I wish that you keep being such wonderful human beings, and more and more responsible, and smarter, and everything else.

It hurts me to leave, but in life, there are choices. I have taken mine, and I hope you understand.
Thank you very much.

With love,
Teacher Murilo

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Surtar

É porque hoje eu decidi que não vai ser do jeito que é.


Sim, mais uma vez! Mais uma vez eu vou ser do mesmo jeito que sou.





Porque é o jeito que sou. Cada um com o seu burden.



Saúde!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Terror.

Your eyes are way too gleaming.

Monday, September 01, 2008

V.a.l.i.u.m.

You still have no idea how deep it is, do you?
Throwing up like that, for nothing.
You still have no ideia.
'Till the idea makes you throw out your lungs and heart, and tears will fill not your face, but your grace's.
And then you'll realize that you're still too damn eagerly pointed ere something so evil dies.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Shoelace Happiness

...and then she came rushing into the classroom, and she was looked upon and answered: "Teach, I have had problems", as the other answered, "Are you Danielle? Yes, I have been told of your problems" with a sarcastic grin upon her face.



(This one's to you, dear Baggy! And a reminder - if you know what I mean!)

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Nothing to Write About

“Would you help me?” asked he, staring at the doctor’s eyes. “Even if my disease reaches that, would you help me?”
“I’m here to help” answered the doctor, strolling around the room checking his watch. “I would never give up on you, if so you wish, and if you don’t give up on me. Will you give up on me?”
“I won’t. You know I won’t. It’s that it’s just been so long, and this sickness refuses to leave. I wish it had been gone away by now, but sometimes things just don’t happen like this.”
“They don’t. And that’s why life’s so precious. We struggle to have it” and the doctor stepped away, opening the drapes. A dim sunlight came into the room, washing away the pure darkness inside.
“Yeah. But this struggle seems to never end.”
“My precious... It will end. I assure you.” said he, as he approached to the bed. With gleaming passionate eyes he finished; “You will be alright. Now just get some sleep, will you?”
“I will.” the other answered. “Thank you.”

You’re welcome.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

lullaby

He's such a powerful man
to stand all that

Won't disappoint you, light
it has been hard, but I won't
don't give up on me,
I'm holding on, I said I would
please, please, don't forget me
unstopping light

he's such a powerful man.
or an extremely weak one.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Tudo é uma escolha
E tudo muda, evolui
Talvez não como vemos a evolução,
Mas ainda sim o faz
E eu me dizia que eu nunca deixaria acabar
Mas percebemos que não somos nós que deixamos algo acabar, pelo menos não sempre
Percebemos que as vezes o mundo nos diz para acabar
Porque o fim,
Não é tão ruim
E as vezes é melhor terminar enquanto as memórias são boas
Porque nem sempre é melhor correr atrás do abandonador,
Nem sempre é certo abandonar quem nos abandona,
As vezes é melhor simplesmente se despedir,
E ninguém abandona ninguém
Porque os amigos mudam,
Crescem, conhecem, se transformam em pessoas totalmente diferentes,
E é melhor se despedir antes com o eu te amo,
Do que atrasado com o eu te odeio,
E não que isso seja sempre triste,
Ou sempre extremo,
Somente é um caso,
de muitos casos que podem acontecer
O estranho é não captar a essência,
Parece que a essência acabou,
Mas as vezes nunca houve essência,
Talvez a essência foi só ilusão.

E talvez nada disso seja feito verdade,
Talvez seja só o momento,
Mas agora eu creio de verdade
Agora que todas as coisas somam
Que amigos também mudam
E talvez não queiram mais ser amigos,
Nem amantes,
Nem a dor,
Apenas querem esquecer

Eu te libero, então, oh pássaro sem cordas, sem gaiola e sem noção,
A mim já não estás preso há muito,
E com as tuas asas pode voar para longe,
E não esperes me encontrar